Showing posts with label things I'm afraid of. Show all posts
Showing posts with label things I'm afraid of. Show all posts

Remembering

Like the day Camelot fell, or the day mankind got high, or the day the music died, I will always remember where I was when it happened. I'm talking about the big East Coast (represent) Quake of '11 (that's Oh-One-One, y'all). Not that wimpy mess out in Colorado. What was that anyway? A two point one?

Anyway, back to my story. This is for posterity.

It was an ordinary day in Savannah, Georgia. The kids were up, lunched, schooled and cleaned. The kitchen was a mess, crumbs from the sixteen different types of food I'd tried to feed my one-year-old for lunch littered the counter and the floor around the stove. The laundry I'd been working on for the last month, week, day, along with a random menagerie of toys, lay in small piles around the old dining room, while even more toys and dirty socks (my one-year-old likes to carry them around in her mouth during the day, but that's another story) found scattered homes throughout the living room. I still needed a shower after the two-diaper-change poop incident, and the kids were sort of sharing a toy with one another in the playroom.

"Finally," I thought as I set my lukewarm water down on the desk. "I can finally get this space organized." I sat down at the worn chair, pulled the trash can closer to me and began sorting through the stack of mail and miscellaneous paper.

And then it happened.

My phone, which was sitting on the desk next to me, began shaking. At first I didn't know what to do. I glanced at the kids and then back at the still shaking phone. It made a surprisingly annoying sound as it knocked against the wood. In that moment, I decided. I grabbed the phone, hit the slider bar and knew immediately exactly what was happening.

It was my breaking news alert from the Washington Post, letting me know that I had just experienced an earthquake.

When I look back on it now, it all makes sense. The crumbs on the kitchen floor, the scattered clothes and toys, the pacing cat, the unhappy sounds coming from the girls as they struggled to hold onto the same toy, their small hands just barely able to keep it supported ... it was the quake. And all I can say is thank God we are all safe.

I mean, "We all almost died."**

As I conclude this post, the air above our home is vibrating again as the blades of several Army Black hawks beat the air in what I can only imagine is the first official trip up to survey the damage.

I hope they can see my kitchen. I'm going to need verification for our insurance company and FEMA.

-----------------------


** Quoted from Facebook: The Wisdom of Our Times, Vol. 1 Ed. 82311 - by Scott M. Larson, American PR Wizard, former journalist and Yankee ex-pat. ©2011


Ed. note:
This post is in no way meant to trivialize those who have suffered or lost personal property or body parts (or lives) as a result of the EC quake of O-11. Our thoughts are with the victims, ourselves included.



working on it. working on it. working on it.

Blogger just erased the three paragraphs I'd written. I think that's probably a sign that I didn't need to write it. I'm starting over below, with less venom, I hope.

It's amazing to me how something good can become something bad so quickly, how in a matter of minutes joy can turn to sadness. And while I think that sometimes the reverse is true, that sadness can turn into joy and do so quickly, it's my hypothesis that usually, the conversion of sorrow to anything less takes a lot of time.

It's also amazing to me how little we really know of one another, even in our closest moments. We think we get past that surface space of 'how are you? - oh, great, great! and how are you? how's the family? - doing well, doing well, thanks for asking', but we don't really. At least not that often. And the stuff that lies underneath that surface, that's the stuff that really needs knowing, needs to be known, and yet somehow can't bring itself to an experiential understanding of the concept.

I'm pondering these two ideas here on the couch ... hastening sadness and the superficial knowing. How deep our sadness can be and how very fast it comes, all the while, those around us never really knowing just how dark the days or nights are, or how we're struggling for footing. But it's more than just that. It's how the superficial knowing deepens the pain of our sadness, how that longing for someone to know and yet fearing with all we have that someone will know, how it makes the struggle seem unconquerable and hopeless, it's this that spins the 'little grey cells'.

I don't really have any special truths on the subjects, or any clever insight. And the only conclusions I've reached today are that time adds to the increase of sorrow, especially in sorrows un-addressed, that in as much as I want to know and be known, I fear more the being known than the knowing, and that once that low plateau of unbearable weight finds its way into the center of a life, the climb back up, whether it's a solo hike or a group journey, is hard to the measure of near impossible.

I know that joy comes in the morning. And yet it often feels like that morning is so far away. And I long for home.

Blocked.

Stifled maybe? Stuck? I don't know. I think drowning is the word.

The word for today. For this Monday. That's not really bad.

It's how I feel - creatively stuck in a mess that's getting deeper by the moment.

There. is. not. enough. time.

That's the gist of it. There's just not enough time.

Or.

I'm not good enough to manage it. Not talented enough for the undertaking.

It's a toss up at this point. I'm not out here in blogland seeking pity - only a release from the confines of my Adobe files and the lack of my own ability to pro-gress.

Take a break says my creative mind. Keep working says the other.

Can't someone just get me a few more hours?

An open letter to myself

Dear Self,
I just want to take a moment to send you this note of congratulations. Today, you took some big steps. You confronted multiple fears, and faced the challenges with bravery, honor and only one scream. I am proud of you.

It takes great courage to march into the darkness, and you did it.

Hooray! Hooray for you!

Love and kisses,
Me

PS. I always knew you could do it!