I'm working on it.

It's a random day. I'm still tired. The younger girl is sleeping better. The older girl is, too. We just have to get the whole thing moved forward about an hour, and I think the adults will be sleeping better as well.

In the meantime, I feel dazed with the strength of my exhaustion. I feel it everywhere ... in the increasing number of headaches that happen each weak, in my limbs when I'm trying to fix the swingy-chicken-parts of my arms before they are past saving, in my lack of desire to cook or plan or grocery shop or even eat out. I feel it in my racing thoughts and my too-quick temper and in what seems to be the constant irritation I feel when I hear either a whine or a scream from one of the two small persons, or the cat. I am so tired.

Yesterday, I took a nap. I don't remember when I did that last when it wasn't a Sunday. Lately, even those Sunday naps have disappeared. I woke up after an hour next to the older girl feeling no more rested than when I lay down. It is the same way I feel each morning when I climb out of bed.

And I don't know how to fix it. The tired. I don't know how to get past it and gain my energy again. I don't know how I got here in the first place, and I don't know how to go back, or how once I am back, if I can ever find my way, how to stay out of this zone of fatigue.

And that also bugs me. Because I am the fixer. It is what I do: I fix things. Yet not me. I can't fix me and the tiredness that is always there. Irritation. Grrrrr.

I question myself daily:

Are you depressed?

Are you homesick?

Are you getting enough exercise? (no)

Should you eat more vegetables? More protein?

Drink more water? Drink less coffee?

Are you hungry? Too full?

And I feel no answer to any of those questions actually comes close to defining what on earth is making me so tired.

The last time I felt like this was when the thhg (transient hyperthyroidism of hyperemesis gravidarum) hit with that last pregnancy. (Question: are you pregnant? Answer: no)

The difference being that I don't fall asleep in the middle of a sentence and I'm not so nauseated I require daily meds (excepting these headaches, man they are killer).

So, what? What is it?

Maybe it's the final stages of a year without sleep.

Also, why can't tortilla chips be good for you? If we fry food in olive oil, does that make it heart healthy? How long can ten pounds stay attached to my body? Why is my hair so grey? And what do I do to it to make it cute again? And when did birding become so fun?

Ther.Ap.Y